I hate the world that we live in, yet I do nothing myself to change it. The vein world that puts people into categories, First Class, Second Class, Third Class. Schools putting children in different groups and deciding what they can learn when they’re only going by the grade that their teacher has given them. People classing someone as worth less than them because of things like money, the colour of their skin, their mental/physical abilities, how well they dress. We go through day to day life for ourselves just to carry on doing the same thing, with the same routine, over and over. The thing is, we aim to please ourselves or a significant other that we put higher than us, yet we don’t actually think about our actions or consequences on other people’s lives, which is such a shame. Making people aware of mental health and spreading the word on how others may feel is a small help that people seem to only just be picking up on, in 2017. See mental health is an extremely varied thing to deal with and talk about. We have situations that affect our mental health like suppressing emotions, ignoring our pasts, ignoring our futures. It all leads down one road in the end but that one road has so many side roads that we may all be convinced to go down. Life is not as simple as categories.

With my own experiences, I know that you can go down one road, then change your mind and start walking in the other direction. That doesn’t mean that it’s over, it just means that you’re finding a path that suits you. Everyone’s path is different.

‘There are so many people that have it much worse off than you’.

Does that mean we aren’t allowed to feel the way that we do? Some people are a lot stronger and can deal with a lot more all at once, yet some people can’t handle even the smallest thing. We all need to understand that one little comment or action can change someone’s day, week or even life. One small thing can make such a difference, even if it’s just sitting with someone in silence, not feeling obliged to know what is going through the other person’s mind, just because you know who they are on the outside.

We are all wired in the same way on the inside but at the same time we aren’t. Some people don’t know the difference between pain and pleasure, some people don’t know how to read emotions or body language, some people don’t know how to deal with certain situations, life is not that easy for some.

There is a lot of ignorance in this world when it comes to others, people will look down on others and determine whether they like someone after the first time they meet them. What if they’ve had a bad day? What if their family is falling apart and the only way they feel like they can deal with it is by being surrounded by their friends, getting absolutely hammered and making a fool of themselves? We can all sit back and judge someone for things they are doing yet you only realize how painful that can be when it is aimed at you. When rumours start that aren’t completely true. How does it make you feel? Why does it make us feel better when we look down on another person for simply being themselves?

People may have it worse off than others but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel pain or empathy. I could glance at a video on Facebook about how yet another person has attacked an innocent animal or child and it could change my frame of mind for the day without me realising or knowing how to change it.

Mental health is a funny thing. Unpredictable at its best. You don’t want to talk about it? Why? What have I done? Are you going to leave me? Why don’t you talk to me anymore? You’re not yourself. You don’t have to take it out on me. Wait. If you don’t understand someone’s mental state, then why can you start calling them out on it?

Me: It really would help if you researched about depression and anxiety because I don’t know what to tell you.

You: Okay then I will.

Still no research done.

You: Why are you being funny with me?

Me: I’m not?

You: You always do this, it’s not fair on me. You make me paranoid about us.

Me: I literally just want to sit by myself for a bit.

You: Are you going to leave me?

It isn’t as if people suffering don’t know they’re hurting you, it’s just not as easy of snapping out of it. Learning from past experiences teaches you to be more forward about how you feel, yet when you’re more forward it gets taken more personally. Some people may be able to change their moods but some people just can not do that.

You can be honest from the start of a friendship or relationship, ‘Hey, just so that you know I’m a manic depressant, I’ve taken anti-depressants since I was 14 on and off but I don’t think they work, the doctors think it will, oh and just to add to it I have anxiety so I can be very temperamental and not want to speak all of a sudden, give me a day or two and I’ll love you again.’ Some people will leave, some people will stay. The people that leave could start saying things behind your back to others like ‘She’s so weird’ ‘She’s so depressing’… because that really helps. Yet the people that stay can still be difficult. You can have a day where you’re completely self absorbed, feeling sorry for yourself and you don’t want to open the blinds, don’t want to listen to the telly. Complete silence and your own mind racing with ridiculous thoughts on what people could be up to. Thinking ‘Why didn’t they invite me?’ ‘They always seem to have more fun and more pictures when I’m not there.’ ‘I really don’t help myself.’ Yet whilst all of these thoughts go rushing through your mind for no particular reason, there is always a voice that springs up and says ‘It’s not my fault you don’t do anything’ ‘Go and do things with your friends then.’ ‘You should be out having fun.’ Yes, I probably should, but I don’t want to.

The people that stay are the best people you could ask for. Having someone that stays by your side is 9 times out of 10 an amazing experience. What about the other 10% of the time? I am sorry that I change my mind last minute and so often but I saw this thing online and I really don’t want to go out today, or I had a dream about something I really don’t want to tell you about because it happens a lot and I seriously don’t want to talk about it. Even a random memory triggered by what to you seems like nothing but to me it put me into a really deep thought. You just don’t understand that. Not many people do. Well that’s how you end up feeling anyway. You put yourself into a frame of mind where everything and everyone can be a (for lack of better word) burden, yet you know they’re really not.

With myself, mental health runs in the family, on both sides, good luck to my brother and any children either myself or he has! Family is the best thing you have, we all know that deep down. Even if it’s a family that you make yourself, when others wouldn’t consider it to be one. My family are really close, most of it now anyway. Things can happen out of nowhere and it can break what seemed to be an unbreakable bond. My dad was always open with me about his mental health. My parents split up around the time I was starting High School, I don’t think it really affected us (myself and my brother), because to us it was easier than having the constant bickering, plus we could have the option of where we wanted to stay at any given time. This affected my dad though. I’d say the relationship itself affected my mum more than the break up. She could just be stronger than we think though, being a single parent with two teenage kids. Of course my mum wouldn’t want us to think she could be broken.

People may think that it is unacceptable to be so open with their children about suicide and stories from the past, but to me it made me feel like I wasn’t alone with it. It’s a passing thought every week or so but I know that’s not my road to walk down. I remember my dad telling me once about how he was just driving along, feeling low, relationship ended, other relationships failed, work is miserable, how tempting it is to just put your foot down and go as fast as you can into a wall. End it there and then. How he could just slit his wrists and be done with it. You have to think about what you’ve got though. Remember the fact that you’ve felt like this before and you know you’ll get past it again. Just hope that the next time you feel it, it isn’t any worse than the last. What a life we live.

Sometimes we’re lucky with it. You feel low but you can just snap out of it. Like I said, sometimes. It’s a great achievement for us when we do it, we do our hair and make up better, wear our favourite clothes that we actually know look good on us. People notice that our smiles are back and comment on how nice we look. Great. We look nice. Day over we take off the make up, go to bed, wake up and look at ourselves again. Either we can do the same as the day before or we just look and think about how people actually like how we don’t look. They like us when we’re false. They like me when I’m not myself. That’s not so easy to snap out of.

I can wake up after having an amazing night and the first thought that goes through my mind is how I could kill myself today. Not that I want to think about that, at all. It just comes up. That can stay with a person all day or it can just fade out as the day goes on. If God were real, why would he wire me up this way?

Our minds take a lot every single day, they don’t even stop when we’re sleeping. Something in the day can trigger something in your sleep and your brain can leave you with something to think about all day. What makes us torture ourselves even in our sleep?

When I was 17 we adopted my little cousin, what a beautiful little boy he was. It never lasted long and the whole situation took it’s toll on my family. Goodbye little cousin, goodbye Aunties, goodbye Nana and Papa. None of these people are gone, they just don’t speak. Does it make it any easier knowing they actually don’t want to speak to you? That there is blame on everyone’s part for how the situation came to an end. We aren’t allowed contact with the little man. My Auntie has a health condition that was found after her son was taken from her. The condition meant that she did not understand basic human needs. Feeding, cleaning, routines etc. It seems unrealistic that anyone in their right mind could not know how to look after a child, considering she was always the families first option for designated babysitter, but I’m guessing being taken into hospital with suspected kidney disease then being told you’re actually in labour didn’t really help her needs. The boyfriend not telling his parents then saying he was having nothing to do with ‘it’ didn’t really help either. Getting back to my actual point, social services did what they thought was best for her son. That’s okay I guess, there isn’t much we can do about that. We were then told that nobody had been able to contact her. Her needs were not met. Her mental state was obviously not the best. Her mental health was put last because they simply didn’t like her. She wasn’t clean and she could not look after a child. What an awful person she must have been.

There was no help for herself or the rest of the family afterwards. A very stubborn mother, and grandmother who does not understand the situation and doesn’t know why she hasn’t got her grandchild in her life will never forgive her own child for letting this happen. They never really helped in the first place. Money and gifts are not really what her or her son needed. It wasn’t what we needed. It just happened so fast.

I had a dream about a week ago where I got to see my little cousin/brother. He was still the same age I knew him at 3 years ago, I don’t even know what he looks like now. This dream has changed my frame of mind for a week because I saw him in it, I played with him in it, and he didn’t even know who I was, he had no idea who I was to him or how I had cared for him and loved him like he was my own. Just like the rest of my family did. Go out shopping and treating yourself to nice new things but you know as soon as you stop you want a break from reality, that you’ll still have this dream playing on your mind. I don’t want sympathy. I want understanding.

I’ve had bad relationships, other people have had worse of course, I was never beaten but I have been spat at, dragged down streets and humiliated in front of people, locked in rooms, played mind games with, grabbed by the throat, all in the space of 5 years, all in the space of dealing with my little cousin, all in the space of having my first very own beautiful little dog, my best friend, the one who listened and was there when I just wanted silence and a hug, put down.

We all have to deal with our stories ourselves, we just need to know how. Medication may work for some but it doesn’t work for everyone. I hate people some days. Absolutely despise them. Including myself. The thought of having to go out and talk to someone infuriates me sometimes. I still do it though. I force myself to get jobs that I hate so that I actually socialise. Hairdressing, bartending, waiting on, retail work in general. It’s such a fake world we have set up for ourselves. It really is awful.

The last thing I want to do is talk about anything, you can ask anyone that knows me. I give the same short answers every time.

You: What’s wrong?

Me: Oh you know, the usual.

OR

You: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing.

It’s just easier than talking sometimes. Talking is so over rated. Why force yourself to do even more stuff that you don’t want to do? For the benefit of others just so that they know.

Why can’t we just sit down and be silent if we want to be?

Why can’t we just stay in bed and tell the world we’re ‘just tired’?

Why are we forced to get up, go out, go to school, go to work, just so that we can live?

I appreciate that people need someone to talk to sometimes, I just don’t want that to be the only message people send out to others when it comes to mental health. Sometimes people just don’t want to be alone, yet we want complete silence, can you do that for me? Can you be there for me simply so that I know I have you there?

It’s so hard to understand it yourself when you’re going through it. Try being in the situation that confuses you, and explain it to someone else. Just give a person the time of day even in the smallest of ways and it will make a difference to their day without you even knowing it.

We may need money but we shouldn’t let it rule our lives. Money should never be something we let into our minds as a necessity. It’s just another stress. Don’t over-do it, just be comfortable with what you have, unless you really do want to work for more.

If someone goes silent or doesn’t want to tell you when you ask them what’s wrong, don’t force it out of them, just let them know you’re there and that you will never let them be alone.

Nobody has to get through life by themselves, just let them know that.

There’s so much more I could add into this, more details, names, more situations, why should I tell anyone? I do not want sympathy, I know I have a good life deep down even after everything I’ve dealt with or been around. It’s my past and it has made me the person I am today. I know others have it worse off than me so why name and shame other people when I know it wont help myself or anyone else? I just don’t want anyone to think they can’t feel how they feel simply because someone doesn’t want them to, we can be selfish, we can put ourselves first for a while whilst we pick ourselves back up, just don’t forget you’re not the only one that hits low points and if you don’t want to go through it alone then you don’t have to. If you want to be by yourself then do that, that’s exactly what I prefer to do. If you have negative thoughts then try and even it out with the positives. You might not feel great but you will feel better. It might stop you from doing something you may wish you hadn’t of done a few years down the line. Who knows?

I really do hate the world we live in, that doesn’t make me mate my life. Life is simply what we make of it and it’s up to us to change it. Only we can change our frame of mind, it’s just nice to have some help along the way.

Be nice. In the end, you never know how much better it will turn out for us.

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